depression returns

It's been 2 months since my last post. I've been avoiding people which is very easy to do, since I don't know anyone here. I just stay in the house or go for long walks with the baby and dog. Even places I go walking are out-of-the-way and very isolated. They are beautiful hiking trails that go for miles. I long to be part of some group but I don't fit in to any of the baby-mom groups in my area. Everyone knows each other and they all seem so perfect and kind of snobby. Sometimes I feel like they look at me weird like they know I am a total outsider. I am so sad not to have a mom anymore, and not to have a grandmother for my son. I find myself jealous of all the other moms that have family living in the same town, or next door. They can get anyone to babysit on a whim to take a break. They can go to yoga, socialize, and have a life. Being a single mom, I don't even have money for a babysitter. I've never once left Josh with a sitter; it seems so strange to leave your baby with a stranger. I am sinking fast. I have no motivation to do anything. I only do things for my son. I will force myself to go out so Josh can socialize with others and have regular outside stimulus. He loves grocery shopping and riding in the cart. Lately, since Josh is over a year now, I've really realized that he is slower than regular kids. I suppose staying isolated shelters me from knowing how far back he's falling. Now I can really see that having a child with Down syndrome does differentiate from a typical child. I suppose since Josh was born I've just looked at him at a regular child but now I see that he does and will need so much extra help. I don't know why this bothers me? I still love Josh more that anything in the world and I'd do anything for him, but somehow I feel really guilty. 

My life in toronto was so different; I was a social butterfly, I joined clubs like the running room and always had places to go, people to see. Even though I hated Toronto, and I absolutely love where I'm living now, I admit... I am terribly lonely here and feel so hopeless.   

Am I the only one that doesn't smoke weed?

I've been on a road trip for the last few weeks with Josh and our dog. Most of the trip was following Josh's dad around while he worked. He works out of town and camps in the summer to stretch living allowance. This sounds like a responsible thing to do, although he stretches his living allowance to pay for a constant supply of beer and smokes. It would be nice it he would pay off some of his huge debt or ensure mom and baby has groceries. My savings are running out fast and I don't know how I am going to get an income now that I am looking after a baby 24/7. Sometimes I miss my career as an art director in Toronto, but I don't really miss the long hours and loads of stress. 

I can deal with baby dad drinking beer sometimes, after all he does work hard and he deserves a break. As long as he doesn't turn to drugs, like so many of his friends (and him also-before I met him) We are not married or engaged and lately I'm thanking my lucky stars for that. Here I was thinking that I would be welcome to camp with him and his buddy on the road, since it was all his idea. When I got there I realized I was cramping his style. He could not smoke weed when I was there or I would be livid and leave. So he acted odd, being reserved and quiet and it made me really wonder how he acted when I am not around. When I met him, years ago, I said there are 2 things I would never stand for; cheating and drugs. He has not cheated on me, that I am pretty sure of. But he comes from a family that smokes weed so he does not see anything wrong with it. I realize now, that he is back in the habit of smoking it on a regular basic- especially since he works with his brother who is a chronic pot head. Actually all the guys he works with and all his friends are pot heads. After the pot wears off- he becomes an arrogant jerk and loses all consideration for others. He acts rude and ignorant. I told him this and he apologized, saying he's trying to quit. I was shocked to find out our neighbors, who have 2 pre-school kids smoke weed after their kids are in bed. The other neighbors smoke it occasionally. I smell it everywhere I go - especially camping, even at family sites! Even the retired couple down the street smoke it! What is going on? Am I the only person that sees a problem with this?  

Sleep apnea

Josh was just diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea. 

That explains a lot. To deal with this I will have to put him on a CPAP machine while he sleeps. This means during his daily naps and during the night. I will try my best but I have my doubts. He must wear a face mask that covers his nose and his mouth. He hates things on his face. I can't even get him to wear those cute baby sunglasses to protect his eyes and there is no way that he'll keep a hat on his head! Getting him to wear a face mask that expels pressurized air will surely be a challenge. 

Sleep please

Josh is one now, and still waking at least 3 times per night. I have not slept more than a 3-hour-block, in over a year. Raising him on my own, this gets extremely draining. I am sure this also has something to do with my weight gain. Research tells me this, it's not an excuse. Honest. It also might have something to do with my postpartum depression. That on top of the death of my mother shortly after Josh's birth and dealing with the fact that Josh has Down syndrome. (something that I now see as a positive-if you asked me a year ago, I would have never imagined saying that)

I've tried many methods, but he just doesn't sleep. I even tried to "Ferberize" him, but that method was too emotionally draining. I can't just let him cry because he doesn't stop. The crying escalates and it seems like it's the end of the world or he's in a great deal of pain, even though he's not. His teeth are a factor; being trisomy 21 his teeth come in arbitrarily to begin with and cause lots of swelling. 

He has a regular bed routine, a proper crib free of pillows and toys as experts suggest, he couldn't care less for a pacifier, and he's got a soothing aquarium that plays calming, quiet music. I rock him to sleep with a bottle and I realized that this could be a mistake. I could actually be creating a crutch that he relies on to sleep which is why he cries upon waking and can't go back to sleep without me soothing him and giving him a bottle in the middle of the night. But if I don't give him his bottle he will cry for hours. 

Is there a secret out there that I don't know about? 

b-day picnic

Since Josh turned one, he had to get his immunizations. 4 in total. Unfortunately he missed his morning nap so he was extra fussy. Did he ever scream! Poor guy.

Nothing a day at the lake and some birthday cake couldn't fix. 

House help on Josh's b-day

This weekend Josh's aunt, uncle and Grandpa came to visit.(my family) Josh had his first taste of sugar with birthday cake. We just put it on his tray and let him smear it all over his face. It was the cutest thing! As far as presents, he almost had more fun with the wrapping paper than the actual gifts. Babies just love paper for some reason.

It was nice to have my brother over to cut the lawn and trim the hedges. Being alone with Josh; I find it difficult to do yard work. I have to put him in the back carrier and tote him around as I rake leaves, or pick weeds etc. It was so nice to have some help!!!!!!!

Something as trivial as driving to the grocery store to pick up a few items even became so much easier. Just get in the car and go; what a concept. No diaper bags, bottles, stroller; no changing the baby to go out and fighting to get him into his car seat. No dragging the dog along so he wouldn't cause havoc while I was gone. It was so liberating, yet at the same time I felt like a part of me was missing and couldn't shake this awful feeling of forgetting something. Another reminder that my life has changed forever. I wouldn't have it any other way though.

Mom's b-day without her

Today is my mom's birthday; her first birthday since she died. 

It is so strange; the feeling that I no longer have a mother. I can't just call her up if I have a question about what to do with the baby or tell her new things that he's doing. If only she could see Josh today. How much he's grown and how cute he is. Maybe she can see? I wish her the best birthday ever with the angels. 

Today, at this time last year was also my due date for Josh. Little did I know at the time that he'd be a week late. I was so nervous and excited and had no idea what to expect. Was is a boy or a girl? My only wish was that it would be a healthy baby. I was so filled with optimism. In my mind I was envisioning a smooth, fast delivery. I had no idea what was in store for me. I was also scared because the baby's heart beat was slow and they talked about inducing me as a result, but they promised this was nothing to worry about. They said it was because there was so little room to move because the baby filled all the space. I continued helping with renovations and laid some slate tiles. We had just moved 5 days earlier. My mom said that if he was born on this day, it would have been the best birthday present she could have hoped for. Secretly I hoped all the bending and movement of me laying tiles would have helped push the baby out:)

Well, mom where ever you are, happy birthday!