Thursday, October 22, 2009

depression returns

It's been 2 months since my last post. I've been avoiding people which is very easy to do, since I don't know anyone here. I just stay in the house or go for long walks with the baby and dog. Even places I go walking are out-of-the-way and very isolated. They are beautiful hiking trails that go for miles. I long to be part of some group but I don't fit in to any of the baby-mom groups in my area. Everyone knows each other and they all seem so perfect and kind of snobby. Sometimes I feel like they look at me weird like they know I am a total outsider. I am so sad not to have a mom anymore, and not to have a grandmother for my son. I find myself jealous of all the other moms that have family living in the same town, or next door. They can get anyone to babysit on a whim to take a break. They can go to yoga, socialize, and have a life. Being a single mom, I don't even have money for a babysitter. I've never once left Josh with a sitter; it seems so strange to leave your baby with a stranger. I am sinking fast. I have no motivation to do anything. I only do things for my son. I will force myself to go out so Josh can socialize with others and have regular outside stimulus. He loves grocery shopping and riding in the cart. Lately, since Josh is over a year now, I've really realized that he is slower than regular kids. I suppose staying isolated shelters me from knowing how far back he's falling. Now I can really see that having a child with Down syndrome does differentiate from a typical child. I suppose since Josh was born I've just looked at him at a regular child but now I see that he does and will need so much extra help. I don't know why this bothers me? I still love Josh more that anything in the world and I'd do anything for him, but somehow I feel really guilty. 
My life in toronto was so different; I was a social butterfly, I joined clubs like the running room and always had places to go, people to see. Even though I hated Toronto, and I absolutely love where I'm living now, I admit... I am terribly lonely here and feel so hopeless.